Back at Classika

Greetings Classika folks, my name is Virginia and I am on a fitness journey. I will be blogging about ups and downs of health and fitness as well as writing about my progress with my trainer Tara from Classika Sport and Fitness.

Two weeks have passed, and I am 100% positive that returning to Classika was the best thing I could have done for myself. I am enjoying working with Tara, being held accountable for exercise is something that I definitely need. So in terms of exercise, I am pleased with my progress.

However, exercise is not the only component to being healthy. That is where diet enters the scene.

In terms of eating, I am pretty disappointed in myself. I play the rationalization game, I am sure that many of you are familiar with the game. I can rationalize my way into eating just about anything. The past two weeks have been full of rationalizations that revolve around the notion “I am exercising again; therefore it is OK if I eat more food”. On some level, this logic makes sense, right? I am expending more energy therefore my body needs more energy; therefore I should give my body what it wants. My other favorite rationalization is “I am not 200 pounds anymore” or “Since I am not as big as I used to be, it is OK for me to indulge”. I use my past weight loss success as a rationalization to eat more. Clearly I am not thinking about the fact that it was all my “magic” rationalizations that got me all the way up to over 200 pounds in the first place.



In a lot of ways I have come extremely far from where I was a year ago. For example, I can actually walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded, I can fasten my own bra behind my back (for a while there I needed someone to help me because I could not reach behind my back), I can cross my legs, and there are many other little milestones that I am still proud of. However, I think I got a little “big for my britches” so to speak. I was high on the weight loss and I started eating again. I started rationalizing again. Just recently I noticed that it is a bit of a challenge to cross my legs, and walking across campus is starting to wind me again. The little things that I was so proud of are starting to creep up on me again.



So it is Monday, and I am finally ready to take on my rationalizations and really take charge of my eating and my rationalizations. Hopefully this week will go better than the last two…..

Feeling Both Invincible and Vulnerable

Sunday Evening

 The key to breaking the cycle of food addiction relies heavily on setting realistic goals coupled with making exercise and healthy lifestyle choices a part of “who you are” as opposed to being simply “what you do”. Tomorrow I officially start making fitness and healthy eating part of “who I am”. I will be heading back to Classika Fitness to workout with Tara Monday and Wednesday mornings from 8-9:) I will also been redirecting the passion with which I have been eating junk food to a more healthy outlet. I feel a little bit like a small child headed back to school for the first day after summer, I am anxious, excited, apprehensive and elated all at the same time. I have already laid out my workout clothes and shoes by my bed and have even contemplated wearing them to bed in an effort to make sure I am totally ready when I get up. Yes, I was “that kid” who liked to sleep in her clothes to make sure she was ready for school the next day. So my guess is that sleep is not going to come easy this evening.



Monday Evening

Sleep did not come easy last night. I tossed and turned with excitement and anticipation. Despite the restless night, this morning was fabulous. I woke up and had a whole wheat English muffin with jalapeño strawberry jelly on my way to meet my trainer. It felt great to be back at Classika working out with Tara This mornings workout was my first physical exercise in quite a while, so I am pretty sure that Tara was gentle.

We did 5 rounds of an 8 exercise circuit. It included pushups, rows, squats, biceps, triceps, abs, buttocks, and shoulders. It did not kill me; in fact it really felt good. However, I might change my mind in the morning when my muscles revolt.

Feeling invincible after my work out, I wanted to keep the healthy food coming, so I ran across the street to Food Lion to procure yogurt, fruit and a bottle of water for my lunch. It seemed like quite the noble endeavor, and I could not have been prouder of myself as I placed each of my supremely healthy purchases on the conveyer belt. I kept willing people to look at me in my workout clothes and my healthy food, I wanted to the outside world to see me and give me the ocular pat on the back, the nod of acknowledgment and support. Since it was only 9am, and most people were on their way to work and surprisingly not hanging out in the Food Lion, my only hope of positive reinforcement was going to be from the cashier. I waited patiently as my food crept up the belt, I was trying to think of something clever and witty to say about my exercise clothes and my healthy food.

Before I could even get a word out of my mouth, the cashier cheerfully stated “All Mars’ candy is on sale for 40 cents! I have a whole basket full here, would you like some chocolate, you look like you enjoy a good chocolate bar!” I was crushed. Not only did I not look like someone who should be buying healthy food, I looked like someone who ENJOYED chocolate bars. On any other day I would have taken her words for what they really were, a sales pitch. However, having just come back from my first workout in months, I took those words as a personal attack. I avoided making eye contact with her, and proceeded to mumble something about how I used to be the girl who wanted the candy but I wasn’t that girl any more, that now I was the girl who wanted the pineapple and yogurt and how yogurt was surprisingly good etc. It was totally incoherent and I almost felt bad for her having to experience my awkwardness. Really, all I wanted to do was get away from that basket of chocolate post haste before I bought the whole thing and downed it on the way to school.

Bottom line, the feeling of invincibility that washed over me after my whole grain muffin, my awesome workout, and my commitment to purchase fruit, yogurt and water, was almost instantly replaced by the realization that I am human, I love chocolate, and my tendency to overeat is going to make this whole process a lot more difficult. I managed not to buy the chocolate and I managed to remain proud of my workout all day and well into this evening.

Tomorrow is day two, and it is going to involve a bike ride with my husband and more healthy eating:)

iHOP and doughnuts and Sally...oh my.

What a day. I promised myself I would be “good” today. I was, mostly. I had a reasonable breakfast, coupled with an extreme desire for iHOP. I tried to trick Sally into going to iHOP with me. However, I made the mistake of giving her the link to my blog, and after she read the re-cap of the Weeine Stand story, I am pretty sure she is not going to let me convince her to eat with me anymore, unless of course, it is a salad or some other food of the healthy variety. It is a good thing, but her saying no, sure did make me want iHOP 100 times more than I did before I asked. I could tell she felt bad for denying me the road trip on a slow day at the office, but I appreciate her for understanding and helping me get control of my eating again.

I made it through the iHOP craving, but I did not make it past the glazed doughnuts that my colleague brought with him to the office today. That was my downfall, then the justification started, and then I wanted to eat everything I could imagine. I thought about all the places I could go for lunch and what each place had to offer. At some point around noon, I got things under control, managed not to go out to lunch, and also managed to remember to get in touch with Tara my trainer from Classika Fitness to set up a schedule for starting our sessions again next week. I had convinced myself that I could be in control of my own exercise program, and that training was too expensive. I can now say with great certainty that I should not be in control of anything, let alone my own exercise program.

My recommitment to working out at Classika Fitness and attempting to keep my eating under control is my attempt to once again break the cycle of food addiction. I am committed to working out twice a week with Tara, and working out three other days a week with a friend. I am going to continue to write this blog in which I will chronicle my food struggles and successes along with my training and exercise ups and downs with Tara and on my own. Session with Tara start on Monday, healthier eating choices start today. Ok, I mean starting today after I ate the doughnut….

Here I go Again...

It is currently April 2010. My two previous blogs were written back in November 2009. I made some small changes and re-posted them along with this current blog to add some additional perspective on my relationship with food. Since November, when I thought I was ready to make a change, break up with food, and recapture my life, a lot has happened. My Uncle Phil passed away, my friend Eleanor’s body was found in the river (a suicide), I am up for tenure in May, my friends are having marital problems, and a myriad of other things that I could use as excuses for why I stopped exercising, stopped caring about change, and started eating my life away yet again. That is not to say that death is not a horrible thing, and a tremendous life stressor, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that even without those tragic events, I would have found other reasons to abandon change, to stop caring and to start eating with reckless abandon once again.

Since food had never read my blogs and was blissfully unaware that I was leaving again, food was none the wiser. In an effort to make amends, I ate with twice the passion and twice the furry. I certainly did not want to hurt foods feelings. No, that would be awful. I know that I most certainly wanted all of my feelings to disappear, so I ate. And ate. And ate. Much like the beloved Hungry Little Caterpillar of my childhood, I ate until I was ready to burst. However, unlike the loveable hungry caterpillar that was eating because he had to have the energy to spin a cocoon and transform into a beautiful butterfly…I was eating because I was completely out of control.

One interesting thing about my food addiction is that much like other addictions, I know when it is getting out of control. I know the signs, I know the little things I do, the subtle changes in my thought patterns indicate trouble is on the horizon.

I realized I was about to hit bottom again when Sally (my best friend at LC) and I went to the Weenie Stand for lunch. I think the first sign should have been that I ASKED Sally to go to the Weenie Stand with me. I think she knew it was bad then too. However, like the amazing friend she is, she agreed to join me. Of course she gave me a very strange look when I asked, and then she must have asked me over 10 times if I was ABSOLUTLEY sure that was what I wanted to do. I told her it was OK, I would be fine. I proceeded to order: a foot long hotdog with everything, large fries, a large order of chili, and a large coke. On the way out the door, I helped myself to a Choco taco because I convinced myself I deserved it. I am pretty sure that Sally was both impressed with my capacity to put down food, and worried for my health and wellbeing. I also convinced myself that the trip to Weenie Stand was just a one time thing, that it would not be the beginning of anything that I could not control. To put this whole trip in perspective, we went to the Weeine Stand AFTER I had already eaten the noodles I brought from home, a bagel with cream cheese that a student brought to my office, and no less than 2 boxes of Peeps. Clearly, I was delusional to think that I had anything under control. I was anything but in control.

Ok, so here I am again, wanting desperately to change and continue on the healthy path I started last April. There is some poetic irony that it was exactly a year ago this month that I started my work at Classika Fitness and with my food counselor to help work on the 80 pounds I had gained in an alarmingly short amount of time. I have not gained all of the weight back. However, I have gained enough that it is troubling. I am back up to 170 pounds, from my amazing loss down to 142 from 220ish. Below you can see pictures from St. Patrick’s Day 2009 and St. Patrick’s Day 2010. It is still an amazing difference, almost as if I am not the same person.

However, I am currently gaining weight, and loosing self-esteem, and it is again time to get things under control. I am going to chronicle my comeback to healthy living and my commitment to getting in shape and making healthy choices via this blog. I realize that I will have ups and downs, and I will share both my successes and failures.

Here I go again…..wish me luck!

Change: Welcome to My Food Addiction

I am addicted to food. I realize that a lot of people say they love food, or that they are addicted to food. However, I am, in a very real concrete way, addicted to food. Much like a drug, food helps soothe me when I am sad, helps celebrates me when I am successful, provides an escape from stress. For my entire life, food has been the most steadfast of friends. Food never abandons me, food never hurts my feelings, food always loves me back and food provides me with a safe place to be myself. I can't hurt food. I can't let food down. There are no disapproving looks form food. Food is never disappointed in me. Food has remained a constant lifelong friend. Essentially, food is my BFF.

For all its wonderful qualities, food has a dark side for me. A very dark side that makes me hide my food consumption from my life partner and co-workers, a side that makes me hoard food in my office drawers, under my bed, in the bathroom and other equally disturbing places.

The bottom line is that since I was a little girl food and I have had a very complicated relationship. Food and I break-up and get back together more than Angelina and Brad. Most of our break-ups are temporary, lasting anywhere from a few days to two months occasionally longer. However, much like a woman caught in the cycle of abuse, I come back to food. I come back begging, I promise never to leave again, I tell food that I was wrong, it was all my fault. Food always takes me back. Always. I have never been rejected by food. I think secretly food knows I will leave again, but it doesn't matter, food knows it is always a matter of time before I will come crawling back.

My most recent break-up with food happened in April of 2009, about 7 months before I married the man of my dreams. It was the longest break-up I have ever had with food, and it felt amazing. I was happy, confident, strong, and refreshed all on my own without my lifelong crutch. I was also able to be unhappy, insecure, weak and tired and made it though without relying on food. It was an amazing time. My break up with food in April was aided in no small way by Tara at Classika Fitness and a counselor who has asked not to be publicly named.

When I say that I have had a tumultuous relationship with food, I really mean it. I am not one of those people who simply say they have a problem in order to get people to tell them that they don't. I am only 5 feet 2 inches tall, and I have weighed anywhere between 105 pounds (at my smallest) and 225 pounds (at my largest). As many of you know I have adored the 1950's pin-up scene for many years. I have added some photos to demonstrate just how drastic my relationship with food has been. (Apologies in advance that they are pin-up style in nature). The photos were taken less than 5 months apart.

I went crawling back to food on October 4th 2009, the day after my wedding. Food took me back, as usual, with no complaints. Which beings me to today. I am breaking up with food again today. I am making my break-up public (well, as public as one can get on a blog who will probably only be read by my life partner, Sally and Stephanie) as a way to recommit myself to breaking my food addiction and sticking to my decision to become a healthy individual who does not need to rely on food for comfort or anything else.

The Orgins of the Lonely Doll and Becoming Daisy Alexander

Change. It is a six letter word that should be a four letter word. More specifically, one of the naughty four letter words. It seems that anytime in life where things do not go as originally scripted, my friends an family all tell me that it is “time for a change”. Usually what they really mean is that it is time for me to experience a tremendous amount of emotional turmoil often coupled with the creation of a new unrealistic picture of how the future will be different. This already tragic coupling is often followed by months of setting unrealistic goals, failing to meet those goals, and then being depressed over not meeting said unrealistic goals.

Despite my seemingly negative attitude towards change, I am ready to make one, or two or three, perhaps even more. However, this time, I am going to be realistic(ish) and also make commitments to not only create sensible goals, but also to write about attaining and often not attaining them as well. OK, so chances are I am not going to be realistic at all. I rarely am.


First things first. Why the special secret name change? Most of you know me by by "other" real world name, Virginia. I like my name, I really do. However, I figured that while I am changing things, I might as well create a meaningful alter ego that might help me step outside of myself. I like the idea of being able to write as someone else, so I can take a careful, perhaps critical look at my life and choices.

So here it is: Lonely Doll: Daisy Alexander

Lonely Doll
I picked the descriptor of Lonely Doll based on a childhood obsession with a book by Dare Wright titled "The Lonely Doll". The book is a story of a lonely doll named Edith who is befriended by two bears. The pictures are eerie, the story is slightly disturbing, and I loved it all. I was obsessed with checking the book out of the local library. I was so obsessed that at one point my mother had to call ahead to the library and ask them to take it off the shelf before we arrived. I think I related to Edith on a very fundamental level. I was a very lonely little girl. I had friends, I had family, but there was always a haunting loneliness I couldn't shake.
Lonely Doll http://www.darewright.com/
Daisy
I chose Daisy for two reasons. My favorite flower in the world is the Gerber Daisy and I adore The Great Gatsby. I realize that Daisy was not the most morally desirable character in the novel, however, I relate to her on many levels.


“There must have been moments even that afternoon when Daisy tumbled short of his dream— not through her own fault but because of the colossal vitality of his illusion. ” F.Scott Fitzgerald

Daisy http://www.shmoop.com/great-gatsby/daisy-buchanan.html


Alexander

The name Alexander also has two very important meanings for me. One, my academic advisor in graduate school was named Michele Alexander. She was killed in a car accident in 2003. She was a constant inspiration to me and is the reason I am the type of teacher I am today. The second meaning of Alexander comes from my close friend Alexander Childers, who drowned in a boating accident on Lake Michigan in 2007. He loved life in a way that I have never seen before and doubt I will see again. Both of these amazing peoples are remind me to be the best person I can be on a daily basis.

Michele Alexander http://michele.alexander.socialpsychology.org/
Alexander Childers http://cbs2chicago.com/local/lake.michigan.capsized.2.412555.html