Here I go Again...

It is currently April 2010. My two previous blogs were written back in November 2009. I made some small changes and re-posted them along with this current blog to add some additional perspective on my relationship with food. Since November, when I thought I was ready to make a change, break up with food, and recapture my life, a lot has happened. My Uncle Phil passed away, my friend Eleanor’s body was found in the river (a suicide), I am up for tenure in May, my friends are having marital problems, and a myriad of other things that I could use as excuses for why I stopped exercising, stopped caring about change, and started eating my life away yet again. That is not to say that death is not a horrible thing, and a tremendous life stressor, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that even without those tragic events, I would have found other reasons to abandon change, to stop caring and to start eating with reckless abandon once again.

Since food had never read my blogs and was blissfully unaware that I was leaving again, food was none the wiser. In an effort to make amends, I ate with twice the passion and twice the furry. I certainly did not want to hurt foods feelings. No, that would be awful. I know that I most certainly wanted all of my feelings to disappear, so I ate. And ate. And ate. Much like the beloved Hungry Little Caterpillar of my childhood, I ate until I was ready to burst. However, unlike the loveable hungry caterpillar that was eating because he had to have the energy to spin a cocoon and transform into a beautiful butterfly…I was eating because I was completely out of control.

One interesting thing about my food addiction is that much like other addictions, I know when it is getting out of control. I know the signs, I know the little things I do, the subtle changes in my thought patterns indicate trouble is on the horizon.

I realized I was about to hit bottom again when Sally (my best friend at LC) and I went to the Weenie Stand for lunch. I think the first sign should have been that I ASKED Sally to go to the Weenie Stand with me. I think she knew it was bad then too. However, like the amazing friend she is, she agreed to join me. Of course she gave me a very strange look when I asked, and then she must have asked me over 10 times if I was ABSOLUTLEY sure that was what I wanted to do. I told her it was OK, I would be fine. I proceeded to order: a foot long hotdog with everything, large fries, a large order of chili, and a large coke. On the way out the door, I helped myself to a Choco taco because I convinced myself I deserved it. I am pretty sure that Sally was both impressed with my capacity to put down food, and worried for my health and wellbeing. I also convinced myself that the trip to Weenie Stand was just a one time thing, that it would not be the beginning of anything that I could not control. To put this whole trip in perspective, we went to the Weeine Stand AFTER I had already eaten the noodles I brought from home, a bagel with cream cheese that a student brought to my office, and no less than 2 boxes of Peeps. Clearly, I was delusional to think that I had anything under control. I was anything but in control.

Ok, so here I am again, wanting desperately to change and continue on the healthy path I started last April. There is some poetic irony that it was exactly a year ago this month that I started my work at Classika Fitness and with my food counselor to help work on the 80 pounds I had gained in an alarmingly short amount of time. I have not gained all of the weight back. However, I have gained enough that it is troubling. I am back up to 170 pounds, from my amazing loss down to 142 from 220ish. Below you can see pictures from St. Patrick’s Day 2009 and St. Patrick’s Day 2010. It is still an amazing difference, almost as if I am not the same person.

However, I am currently gaining weight, and loosing self-esteem, and it is again time to get things under control. I am going to chronicle my comeback to healthy living and my commitment to getting in shape and making healthy choices via this blog. I realize that I will have ups and downs, and I will share both my successes and failures.

Here I go again…..wish me luck!