I am addicted to food. I realize that a lot of people say they love food, or that they are addicted to food. However, I am, in a very real concrete way, addicted to food. Much like a drug, food helps soothe me when I am sad, helps celebrates me when I am successful, provides an escape from stress. For my entire life, food has been the most steadfast of friends. Food never abandons me, food never hurts my feelings, food always loves me back and food provides me with a safe place to be myself. I can't hurt food. I can't let food down. There are no disapproving looks form food. Food is never disappointed in me. Food has remained a constant lifelong friend. Essentially, food is my BFF.
For all its wonderful qualities, food has a dark side for me. A very dark side that makes me hide my food consumption from my life partner and co-workers, a side that makes me hoard food in my office drawers, under my bed, in the bathroom and other equally disturbing places.
The bottom line is that since I was a little girl food and I have had a very complicated relationship. Food and I break-up and get back together more than Angelina and Brad. Most of our break-ups are temporary, lasting anywhere from a few days to two months occasionally longer. However, much like a woman caught in the cycle of abuse, I come back to food. I come back begging, I promise never to leave again, I tell food that I was wrong, it was all my fault. Food always takes me back. Always. I have never been rejected by food. I think secretly food knows I will leave again, but it doesn't matter, food knows it is always a matter of time before I will come crawling back.
My most recent break-up with food happened in April of 2009, about 7 months before I married the man of my dreams. It was the longest break-up I have ever had with food, and it felt amazing. I was happy, confident, strong, and refreshed all on my own without my lifelong crutch. I was also able to be unhappy, insecure, weak and tired and made it though without relying on food. It was an amazing time. My break up with food in April was aided in no small way by Tara at Classika Fitness and a counselor who has asked not to be publicly named.
When I say that I have had a tumultuous relationship with food, I really mean it. I am not one of those people who simply say they have a problem in order to get people to tell them that they don't. I am only 5 feet 2 inches tall, and I have weighed anywhere between 105 pounds (at my smallest) and 225 pounds (at my largest). As many of you know I have adored the 1950's pin-up scene for many years. I have added some photos to demonstrate just how drastic my relationship with food has been. (Apologies in advance that they are pin-up style in nature). The photos were taken less than 5 months apart.
I went crawling back to food on October 4th 2009, the day after my wedding. Food took me back, as usual, with no complaints. Which beings me to today. I am breaking up with food again today. I am making my break-up public (well, as public as one can get on a blog who will probably only be read by my life partner, Sally and Stephanie) as a way to recommit myself to breaking my food addiction and sticking to my decision to become a healthy individual who does not need to rely on food for comfort or anything else.
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