Feeling Both Invincible and Vulnerable

Sunday Evening

 The key to breaking the cycle of food addiction relies heavily on setting realistic goals coupled with making exercise and healthy lifestyle choices a part of “who you are” as opposed to being simply “what you do”. Tomorrow I officially start making fitness and healthy eating part of “who I am”. I will be heading back to Classika Fitness to workout with Tara Monday and Wednesday mornings from 8-9:) I will also been redirecting the passion with which I have been eating junk food to a more healthy outlet. I feel a little bit like a small child headed back to school for the first day after summer, I am anxious, excited, apprehensive and elated all at the same time. I have already laid out my workout clothes and shoes by my bed and have even contemplated wearing them to bed in an effort to make sure I am totally ready when I get up. Yes, I was “that kid” who liked to sleep in her clothes to make sure she was ready for school the next day. So my guess is that sleep is not going to come easy this evening.



Monday Evening

Sleep did not come easy last night. I tossed and turned with excitement and anticipation. Despite the restless night, this morning was fabulous. I woke up and had a whole wheat English muffin with jalapeño strawberry jelly on my way to meet my trainer. It felt great to be back at Classika working out with Tara This mornings workout was my first physical exercise in quite a while, so I am pretty sure that Tara was gentle.

We did 5 rounds of an 8 exercise circuit. It included pushups, rows, squats, biceps, triceps, abs, buttocks, and shoulders. It did not kill me; in fact it really felt good. However, I might change my mind in the morning when my muscles revolt.

Feeling invincible after my work out, I wanted to keep the healthy food coming, so I ran across the street to Food Lion to procure yogurt, fruit and a bottle of water for my lunch. It seemed like quite the noble endeavor, and I could not have been prouder of myself as I placed each of my supremely healthy purchases on the conveyer belt. I kept willing people to look at me in my workout clothes and my healthy food, I wanted to the outside world to see me and give me the ocular pat on the back, the nod of acknowledgment and support. Since it was only 9am, and most people were on their way to work and surprisingly not hanging out in the Food Lion, my only hope of positive reinforcement was going to be from the cashier. I waited patiently as my food crept up the belt, I was trying to think of something clever and witty to say about my exercise clothes and my healthy food.

Before I could even get a word out of my mouth, the cashier cheerfully stated “All Mars’ candy is on sale for 40 cents! I have a whole basket full here, would you like some chocolate, you look like you enjoy a good chocolate bar!” I was crushed. Not only did I not look like someone who should be buying healthy food, I looked like someone who ENJOYED chocolate bars. On any other day I would have taken her words for what they really were, a sales pitch. However, having just come back from my first workout in months, I took those words as a personal attack. I avoided making eye contact with her, and proceeded to mumble something about how I used to be the girl who wanted the candy but I wasn’t that girl any more, that now I was the girl who wanted the pineapple and yogurt and how yogurt was surprisingly good etc. It was totally incoherent and I almost felt bad for her having to experience my awkwardness. Really, all I wanted to do was get away from that basket of chocolate post haste before I bought the whole thing and downed it on the way to school.

Bottom line, the feeling of invincibility that washed over me after my whole grain muffin, my awesome workout, and my commitment to purchase fruit, yogurt and water, was almost instantly replaced by the realization that I am human, I love chocolate, and my tendency to overeat is going to make this whole process a lot more difficult. I managed not to buy the chocolate and I managed to remain proud of my workout all day and well into this evening.

Tomorrow is day two, and it is going to involve a bike ride with my husband and more healthy eating:)